Downward Spiral
by Y. Yamamoto
Summary: A look into John Cricthon's mind at the end of season 2.


Why? Why did it have to be this way. I lay on the surgery table as the doctor lay dying on the floor next to me. I was paralyzed. Why? I yelled out gibberish as my ability to speak was gone. Everything was gone. My life on earth, my sanity, the woman I love and now my speech. I figured it couldn't get any worse so I just relaxed. My head half open, I just stared up into the surgical lights. My eyes just froze staring up into hopelessness like a portal into goodness I could never reach. I dove into my brain; my only safe haven and now all I had left as a human. Only a few Ahns and I was demolished; my being shaved off bit by bit like the outside of a carrot by a vegetable skinner. Tears rolled out of my eyes. I focused my attention to the two places on my body that did not ache. That is, they did not ache from pain. I could still feel my hands, uncontrolled, move the yolk on my ship as I simply dropped my nose and smashed into Aeryn's prowler.

Why?

I could say it wasn't my fault, but these hands; these wretched hands had smothered my love; my hopes to regain what little humanity I had left before entering this forsaken end of the universe. I shut my eyes, feeling new tears drop. My face lacked emotion. What was the point now? My life was gone, why show emotion? I stood on that lonely peer; light shining above me oddly resembling those taunting surgical lights. I heard a voice. A foul, slithering, cold, maniacal voice.

"We have a problem John." It said almost pompous in tone.

"No." I said, "No, no, no! You're supposed to be gone!"

"And yet I remain," the voice echoed off carrying on for what felt like cycles. Scorpious's shape emerged from the mist of my mind. "Trapped," he continued, "In this place with you."

"The chip is gone!" I said, "So go away! You can't be here."

"That won't get me to go," He replied; calm, collected, "I am trapped John. I cannot leave, for you see, I have dug too deep. I am part of you."

"How do I get you out?" I exclaimed now shaking with rage and helplessness.

"End it John," he said only once.

Those three words circled me, tortured and tickled my fancy. _End it_ I thought. What was I to do? It seemed like a good idea. The two of us would be rid of each other and I might finally get my peace. Then, a flash.

"What you said, in the neural nexus," Aeryn's voice echoed hauntingly, "I hope you meant it… because I did."

I yelled; moaned up into the white ceiling. I wished to scream, "I'm sorry Aeryn! I'm so sorry." But all that could come out were infantile utterances of incoherent blather. I yelled louder and felt more tears well up in my eyes. I flexed all my muscles and banged my head against the operating table. This was cruel! I could not escape.

Why?

Why was it I was here tied down, left to stew in my ever downward spiraling sanity? I could feel my life reducing into nothing more than primordial ooze from which I couldn't escape. So much had been sacrificed. All because of Scorpious!

"And I condemn you, John" his voice rang out still fresh in my eardrums, "…to live. So you may stay and witness your sanity get engulfed deeper and deeper by an unquenchable thirst for revenge."

Damn you Scorpious! Damn you. I screamed out once more to the empty operating room. My bellows rang off the walls and bounced around the room until I felt my voice start to become hoarse. I struggled once again to break free, my muscles straining and my skull hitting the table once more. Then I lay back. I relaxed.

_END IT_…

No! I need to fight. I need to get you out!

_END IT…_

I… I want to be with Aeryn. With my friends…

_END IT JOHN…_

She's gone… They're all gone. I'm no longer me. I need to end it. More tears fell from my eyes as I stared at the light. Watching it's taunting draw like a dog watching a child wave a hunk of meat and then eat it. _I can't go on._ I was finished.

"You win scorpi. You win you bastard." I said to him now kneeling amongst the mist.

I could hear the door to the room open and could see my friends jump in after me. They stood over me asking questions. I was numb. I let out a few caveman musings to let them know my deficiency in communication and just halted. If I could have stopped breathing I would have. I just turned into a slug. No more. Even when Zahn touched her head to mine and attempted to help me out, I told her: "I'm in agony. I don't want to live. Kill me….kill me."

Why?

Why was I here? What did I do to deserve this?


End file.
